Want to know what a brilliant business idea looks like? Go buy a Lunchables. Brilliant. I can see the Lunchables factory the first day it opened…..lots of machines, a conveyer belt, and 200 assembly workers. Then, just before the day begins, the CEO takes a look at the assembly workers and says, “Wait a minute……all of you can fuck off. We’re going to have our customers do your job.” And so begins the process where after buying a Cracker Stacker, you must assemble the entire thing yourself. If it came pre-assembled, you would realize you just paid $3 for 8 crackers, some lunch meat, and some tiny slices of cheese. But by forcing you to put it together yourself, they trick you in to thinking you’re sitting down to some buffet of greatness. Then they thought of even more ways to fuck with the consumers…..They wouldn’t actually make their own pizza, would they? Check. Ok, but there’s no way they would make their own taco. Done. These things are the fucking Macguyvers of school lunches. Lunchables should kick it up a step though and start selling packages with just monofilament fishing line, a paper clip, and some electrical tape….forcing kids to snare and kill their own lunch to eat. I mean, people groan when they see that “Some assembly required” disclaimer on toys…..why the fuck would they want that on their lunch? Who wants to buy a product that unavoidably turns the consumer in to a lunch lady? But, if this is what people want to do, I’m ready for them and I’m going to beat Lunchables to the punch. I’m just going to start packaging a dead fish. That’s right, kids! X’s fun lunch! All you have to do is fillet the fish, remove the innards, cut off the head and tail, butter and cover in flour and spices, and fry! Then you can eat it! Wasn’t that easy?!?! In addition, each dead fish will be packaged with a tiny pouch of Capri Sun and an Andes mint for dessert.